blog extract " parenting for the long-term"

this is an extract of a blog entry from wendy wand, a professional counsellor. i have heard her speak in a girl's school once, and found her likeable in her approach. so, here's sharing her thoughts with you and hope that u will benefit from learning about LT parenting tips......and not micro-manage your kids too much!

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On 21 May 2011, I was invited to speak to parents at a girls’ school, on “Developing Gracious Leadership”.

I asked the parents in the class, “if you had a magic wand, what would your daughter be like in the future?”

Think about 10 years from now, when your child is 17, or 27, how would you like your child to be?

I also, asked them, “in 10 or 20 years from now, how would you want your relationship with your child?”

My observation is that how we are with our children when they are below 12 years, will contribute to how this parent-child relationship will be after they turn 12.

Most parents, unconsciously, parent for the short-term. If their child is in Primary 1, they teach basic math and language, and make sure homework is completed. If their child is in Primary 6, and facing the major national examinations that will determine which secondary school they will be, parents focus on making sure they are studying A LOT, and their conversations is around grades, tuition and grades.

I would like to encourage parents to parent for the long-term. Keep the vision of who you want your children to be in the future in mind. Picture yourself having dinner with them ten years from now, and you are all having a great conversation, laughing and sharing openly and intimately.

When I mentioned this idea to the parents in my session last Saturday, most of them looked surprised, like they have not thought of parenting for the long-term before.

What does parenting for the long-term means?

Be aware that what you say to your children sinks into their minds and programmes how they see themselves and you.

For example, I saw a mother in a mall a few weeks ago, and she told her 4-year-old son who was carrying a big bag, “how come you cannot carry the bag properly? Even carrying a bag is difficult for you.” She was speaking in a shrill, loud and fierce voice and her face was tight with tension and criticism.

I felt sorry for the son. I noticed that his little shoulders stiffen up and I felt the fear from him. I felt like giving the mother my name card and offer her coaching.

The son is having the message “you cannot do anything right” implanted into his memory and self-efficacy. He is going to remember his mother as critical and insulting when he is 14. He fear of his mother will turn into disregard for her when he is 16.

I parent for the long-term because in my training in Psychology, I read a lot of longitudinal research on the influence of delayed gratification, parenting styles, independence training etc during childhood, on their future success, relationships and happiness. My studies influence how I parent my children.

I know about the psychological changes that they would go through in the future. Therefore, starting from when they were 3, I was already preparing myself, them and our relationship for those developmental changes.

Teens will want more freedom, and they will do through identity crisis. With this expectation, I am mindful that how I relate to them, discipline them, talk to them, and engage them when they are 7 and at 10 would influence how much they would open up to me and listen to my advice when they are 15.

Therefore, be present with your children when you interact with them – focus on their well-being beyond grades – with the vision of their loving future with you as your guide.

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indeed, when our young kids turn into teenies and then teenagers, we will lose the stronghold over their lives. they become bz with stuff and will hardly have time to talk to us and understand our feelings.

however, it is not impossible for a mature relationship to evolve between the young adults and their parents. such basis of relationship depends on the intimate bonds fostered in their growing up years, having fond memories of their parents' support and trust.